How addiction fucked up my brain
Getting addicted to drugs fucked up my life. First and foremost it fucked with my brain chemistry. I went from being able to get out of bed every morning to relying on prescription medication to get out of bed to not being able to get out of bed in the morning if my life depended on it. I’m just now getting to the point where I can get out of bed without an insurmountable amount of dread, heaviness, malaise, and apathy. They say ‘the struggle is real,’ and the struggle is real, but so is the apathy. The apathy was indescribable. It was NOT just laziness or procrastination. It was a complete and utter lack of will or desire to do anything at all. It’s something I still struggle with but at more manageable levels.
It also gave me a false sense of confidence that has contributed to a pervasive sense of imposter syndrome and low self-esteem due to having developed few actual skills.
The cravings have made me into a somewhat angry and dissociative person. It feels like the high is just around the corner, so close yet so far. Like it slips through your fingers before ever reaching your mouth. It’s an irrational anger at reality for not coming with the artificial high that you’ve become used to. I am angry. I’m angry that this happened. That my brain got fucked up in the process. Now I feel like I have a brain injury, struggling to maintain conversation, experience joy, and be present. Conversing with people is still awkward. I’ve been used to conversing with people with drugs and/or alcohol in my system. The words just flowed. And they don’t anymore. It really sucks. I liked the old version of me that could talk on demand. And now I have this tongue-tied version of myself.
On top of all of that, addiction leaves you with shit ton of shame, guilt, regret, pain, and suffering to carry and unpack. Which permeated every area of my life and impacted the quality of my interactions.
I wouldn’t go back to being addicted to drugs and alcohol, but I wish I could’ve avoided that altogether. One of the reasons I want to prevent addiction in addition to provide support through it and recovery.
Finally, I don’t truly believe that addiction fucked up my life. It made things harder than they had to be and made me feel like I’m behind, but do I feel like it fucked up my life? No. If anything I’m learning to love myself through this awkward, uncomfortable time. It’s slowly becoming less awkward and less uncomfortable. So there’s that.
What has your experience been like?